All The First Times

On FFTs, discomfort, vulnerability, and 2021

A Magical Sky for the last day of January - view frowm my balcony, 31.01.2021

Today is the first day of a new month in a newish year, I sit and contemplate the year that was 2020, the month of January 2021, and the year I hope 2021 will be. I find myself thinking about ‘firsts’.

Last year was the first year I couldn’t visit my family in Australia since I moved here in 2017. It was the first year they couldn’t visit me. The first year since moving here I didn’t travel anywhere in Europe. Big firsts that I never expected to have to get used to when I first decided to move across the world.

And then there are other firsts. This month has been the first I’ve taught Year 5. The first time I have taught at this particular school. The first time I’ve taught Geometry (in Swedish too). The first time I’ve read (aloud) the book Laboritorium Nr 4 in Swedish. The first time I’ve taught sewing on machines to Year 3s (what actually is a bobbin in Swedish?!).

So many firsts.

It’s also been the first time I heard the term, FFT. Thank you, Brené Brown, for naming the hideous nature of ‘firsts’!!

F*cking First Times!

Sitting with the discomfort of ‘firsts’

The first time we do things, try things, are in new situations, it can often feel pretty awful. The first day at that new job. The first day at that new town / city / course / gym / library etc. etc. Sometimes, the navigation of new things & places and all that goes with it is tiring, exhausting, depleting. We push through it, though, move past the discomfort and vulnerability, and find ourselves on the other side, having lived through it all to feel at ease.

But often, with the FFTs, we just crave that easy feeling! The comfort of knowing things, of fitting in. It’s at this point we need to acknowledge that this is what the FFT is. It’s feeling vulnerable, confused, overwhelmed. We need to acknowledge that it’s just how we are going to feel for a while.

In practice, for me, it sounds like: “Hey kids, Swedish is my other language - English is my mother tongue, so there are lots of words I don’t know, but I’m sure you’ll help me out!” and “Just remember, I don’t know how you’ve always done things because I’m new, so let’s be patient!” and “I don’t know that word. Let’s look it up!” and “How do you say this word - I’ve never seen it before. Can you tell me how you pronounce it?” (All of this is in the first two lessons!)

I feel pretty vulnerable. Most of the time. But I also want the kids to know that it’s okay to be like that. So I also spend a little bit of time explaining what it feels like. To have patience. To have empathy.

Sometimes it works. It’s pretty exhausting though.

Are FFTs the new normal?

The world has changed considerably in the past year. Thank you, Global Pandemic! It seems to have brought out the best and worst in people as we all navigate a whole tonne of firsts.

Governments had firsts like deciding on strategies to protect citizens. Scientists were negotiating firsts in the shape of this new virus. Schools, parents, and students were navigating distance learning in ways never thought possible. Businesses were facing all sorts of firsts, one of the biggest being working-from-home and what that might look like. At every level of society, we have been dealing with FFTs.

So many FFTs! But I think this will be the new normal.

Listening to Brené Brown’s episode entitled The Queen’s Gambit, Revisiting FFTs, and Resting Our Tired Brains, I nodded in agreement when she suggested that the discomfort and vulnerability of firsts is something we need to get used to, to embrace even, because it’s through this process that we grow.

The wonderful musician and philosopher, Nick Cave, echoed this in his newsletter, The Red Hand Files. He answered a subscriber’s question about his comments 20 years previously about his album, The Boatman’s Call. He’d commented that he’d felt disgusted about the album. In his beautiful way, Cave responded with this:

After The Boatman’s Call came out I experienced a kind of embarrassment. I felt I had exposed too much. These hyper-personal songs suddenly seemed indulgent, self-serving…In time, however, I learned that the disgust was essentially the fear and shame experienced by someone who was swimming the uncertain waters between two boats.

He suggested that the change taking place within himself and his songwriting - from fictional stories to autobiographical or confessional - left him feeling extremely vulnerable, defensive, and reactive. Hence his ‘disgust’ comments; a reaction to his vulnerability. He also comments how he has grown since then, how his feelings about the album have changed. He has moved past this ‘first’ to grow, to expand, to write more autobiographical and confessional albums.

Feeling the discomfort, leaning into the vulnerablity, and reminding ourselves that it will pass, helps us grow - emotionally, creatively, intellectually.

Rest, Rejuvenation, Renewal

So we can do it! We can survive all these firsts.

It requires patience. Time to rest, to rejuvinate. It requires being kind to ourselves. Kind words, kind thoughts, kind actions.

There are many days where I just want to tell the Effing First Times to “eff off!” I’m tired! But I remind myself that I am growing. That going through them will make the ‘next’ time easier. That I will survive.

What am I doing to keep myself rested, to rejuvinate?

I’m doing daily Yoga with Adriene. It’s perfect for me. Worth checking out if you want free, very good yoga instruction at home (via YouTube). Her emails are also lovely, and she puts together monthly calendars of sessions - very helpful!

I’m eating well. Focusing on vegetables and good quality protein, with a little fruit. Plus, the homebrew my partner brews. Delicious! Check out Del and her vegetarian recipes with a French twist.

I’m making sure I sleep well, exercise everyday, rest when I need to (like when I get home from 5-6 hours with Year 5s!). Not being able to socialise is actually a good thing for me at the moment! I can stay at home in the quiet and think in English.

What are you doing to ensure you’re rejuvinating? What works for you?

I hope that you’re also coping with the firsts in your life. I hope 2021 has been a good one so far.

A big hello and welcome to the new sign ups to this newsletter. I’m still not sure what I’m doing with it, but I’ll keep sending them out with bits I’m writing, what I’m reading, what I’m pondering. With a few photos!

Other things:

If you’d like to read about some of my firsts, check this out.

I wrote this about my word of the year: Light

What I’m reading:

• I’m listening to Stamped From the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America by Ibram X. Kendi. It’s on Spotify (I also have it in print). It’s brilliant!

• I’m reading a collection of short stories called Like A House On Fire by Cate Kennedy, an Australian author (and a book my son is studying in his final year of school). It’s fueling my own short story ideas.

• I also really enjoyed the poetic short stories of Indie author, Leor Baum, called Wearing Her Footsteps. It’s their debut book, cost less than a coffee, and transported me to other worlds. It also has some lovely photos taked by Baum (apart from two). I’ve decided to support more Indie authors this year.

What I’m watching:

It’s a Sin needs to be on your ‘to watch’ list. Written by Russel T Davies (who wrote the first 2 seasons of the most recent Doctor Who series, and spinoff, Torchwood), it’s a beautiful and heartbreaking glimpse into the lives of four friends in London between 1981 to 1991. We binge watched it on a Sunday afternoon/evening. I laughed and cried.

Let me know how your ‘firsts’ are going. Let me know if you’re an indie author - drop me a link to your book and I’ll buy it and read it!

Thanks for reading!

Lisa x